I walked to a local TD Bank branch today in need of some bank manager assistance. I was shown to a kind, soft-spoken young woman; I’ll call her Sara. I explained to Sara what I needed help with, and gave her the name of our organization, Beauty Cares. Sara asked me, “what kind of work does your organization do?” And within seconds of describing our prevention program and the 8 early signs of abuse, she was personally moved. For the next half hour, Sara poured out a horror story of innocence shattered, trust betrayed and a heart so broken I could only hope for the right words to help her.
She told me that her first ever boyfriend was from a “very good family” —he was educated, good-looking and drove a brand-new BMW. He was also so jealous that after only a few months he was combing through her text messages, yelling at her for interacting with male co-workers, accusing her of being a cheater and flipping out if he saw her look at other cars. That’s right…other cars. He accused her of looking to find someone better by scanning luxury cars near them.
Even as he was making wild accusations that Sara was cheating, she caught him dating one of her friends, whose number he copied while snooping through Sara’s cellphone. It wasn’t long before he hit her, and after the third incident of physical abuse, Sara would require stitches to repair the gash in her forehead.
Leaving him was difficult; she would eventually require a restraining order because he refused to let her go. He literally told her, “I’ll never let you leave me”. He didn’t say this because he loved her, but rather because the idea of Sara being okay without him was something that he just couldn’t live with.
When Sara told me, “I don’t know if I will ever be the same. I can’t trust myself anymore,” I had to remind her of two things: she’s not alone and she couldn’t have known better.
Sadly, Sara’s story is one that happens every year to millions of teens and women. According to the United States Justice Department, “One in four women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.” And fewer than 20 percent of parents will ever speak to their children about domestic abuse or teen dating violence.
If you’ve ever experienced abuse in a relationship, don’t blame yourself. It’s not about being smart or stupid – most teens and women have never been taught the early warning signs. And remember, intimate partner abuse affects one in four women in the US. Knowing the signs of abuse before you begin a relationship can make all the difference in your choice of partner.
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