The holidays are a wonderful time of year for many of us, but they can also produce a great deal of stress. Running from store to store, managing our finances, dealing with overindulged children and communicating with parents, in-laws and stubborn family members all contribute to rising holiday stress levels. And between the in-laws, ex-laws, and step-laws, just deciding which family to spend the holidays with can send us over the edge.
Sometimes, returning home and rekindling the family dynamics we grew up with can be the most stressful of all. No matter what identity we have tried to shape for ourselves in the outside world, many of us are forced to face the roles we were set up to play in childhood when we go back home. For example, how many of us play the role of the People Pleaser?
Do you say yes to family and friends because saying no is too painful? What inner voice tells you that you’re a bad person when you say no to others?
Who is the Caretaker? Do you carry the burden of the family’s problems on your shoulders because it’s your role to take care of everything and everyone? What inner voice makes you feel guilty when asking for help?
What about the Perfectionist? Were you allowed to make mistakes in front of your family? God forbid your loved ones see you stumble at times. When you made a mistake, did you identify yourself as the mistake?
Do you play a Defiant Role? This is where you always have to be right with family members, even if it pushes them away. What inner voice tells you that you need to be right even if you push loved ones away?
How many of you play the Invisible Role? When you return home for the holidays, do you lose your voice and disappear into the background, unable to share your thoughts and feelings with your family?
Although our upbringing has molded many of us to play certain roles within our family dynamic, we do not have to play those roles if we no longer want to. Let’s choose to need to bite your tongue during this Christmas Eve dinner; leave your boxing gloves at home this Christmas; let someone else clean up Uncle Bud’s drunken mess this holiday…
Photo by Roberto Nickson
Thomas Gagliano
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- Surviving Holiday Stress By Overcoming Assigned Family Roles - December 21, 2016